Coming very soon

‘The Man Who Invented The News’ – the memoirs of England’s first great journalist – the Piers Morgan of the 17th century. Marchamont Nedham made his name and his fortune during the devastation of the English Civil War. He had so many enemies he had to flee the country at one point. One of them said::

‘We cannot say this fellow writes, but vomits.’

Another said Nedham was ‘the first who found the way to make a fart sound in paper’.

Check out his new website here….

Coming soon….

‘The Man Who Invented The News’

The memoirs of Marchamont Nedham in which the Piers Morgan of the 17th century reveals the secrets of his illustrious career during the English civil war – warts and all as Oliver Cromwell would have said.

Warning: This book contains bad language, violence and scenes of a sexual nature. There is conflict, sexism, racism (especially about the French), betrayal, political chicanery, blackmail, bigamy, religious prejudice, not to mention communism, democracy, monarchy and – worse than all of that – journalism.

America! Don’t care

Remember ‘Team America’ and the song about saving the day? Well here’s the updated version:


America, don’t care!
Running away to quit a mother fucking day, yeah
America, don’t care!
Freedom is gone away, yeah

Terrorist your game is won
 ’cause now our retreat is all done.
America, don’t care!
So lick my Biden cos he’s got no balls
America, don’t care!
What you gonna to do when we run away from you now

It’s the nightmare we all share
When there’s no tomorrow
Don’t care!

Kabul, don’t care!
Kandahar, don’t care!
Khyber Pass, don’t care!
Bagram, don’t care!

Bastion, don’t care!
Lashkar Gar, don’t care!
Heroin, don’t care!
Freedom, don’t care!

Don’t care!

Education, don’t care!
Al Qaeda, don’t care!
Violence, don’t care!
Torture, don’t care!

Murderers, don’t care!
Slavery, don’t care!
Democracy, don’t care!
Liberty, don’t care!

Another British army defeated in Afghanistan

It is disgusting the West – notably the United States and Great Britain – has abandoned Afghanistan to the brutal terrorists of the Taliban.

Their resurgence, which is leading to the takeover of the whole country, has only been possible through our desertion of the country.

We should never have invaded the place – a graveyard for foreign armies since 1840 – but having done so, surely we had an obligation to secure the political stability and security of this highly-unstable country.

We can blame George W Bush and Tony Blair but the fact remains we have a duty of care for a country we destabilised by invading unnecessarily in retaliation for the 9-11 outrage.

The Taliban takeover should shame every country which took part in the coalition responsible for the invasion. And we should get back in there or pay a heavy long-term price when the fundamentalists re-establish their brutal regime and plot against us for years to come.

Sky rugby – the cliché of the Titans

This has nothing to do with Eldred Pottinger or Afghanistan but I’m taking the opportunity to offer up an idiot’s guide to commentating on the Lions tour if you work for Sky TV. All you need to do is repeat these meaningless and increasingly irritating phrases at irregular intervals throughout each game:
1.      The get-go
2.      Asking questions
3.      Set down markers
4.      Hard yards
5.      Worth the admission fee alone (especially when the stadium is empty)
6.      Hard-wired into the Springbok DNA
7.      Nobody said it was going to be easy
8.      Carry/carries
9.      Moving through the gears
10.  Grab the game by the scruff of the neck
11.  Sensing the scent of blood
12.  Half-time oranges
13.  It’s not rocket science
14.  Asking more questions
15.  The next score is absolutely crucial
16.  The game was always go to the wire (sic)
17.  His go-to man
18.  Arm-wrestle
19.  Questions being asked (again)
20.  Game of two halves

And here’s one comment almost worth the admission fee alone:
‘He’s absolutely hoofed that into the Sheriff of Carmarthen’s honker.’

The tragic British graveyard of Afghanistan

Yet again British troops are withdrawing from Afghanistan and claiming they have not suffered defeat. It’s a bit like the knight in Monty Python’s ‘Holy Grail’ who wants to fight on even though he’s lost both arms and both legs.

The Chief of Defence Staff, General Sir Nick Carter, claimed attacks such as 9/11 had been prevented from ‘occurring from Afghanistan’ in the period since adding that ‘not a day goes by’ without him thinking of the 457 UK lives lost.

The fact is the British military has always met its match in Afghanistan. We are leaving without any sort of ‘victory’ exactly as we did in 1842.

On that occasion, an entire army had been wiped out. We sent in ‘an army of retribution’ which did its best to devastate and intimidate the population then got the Hell out of there before it, too, was trapped by General Winter.

The incompetence of our first foray into Afghanistan was astonishing – but almost 200 years on, has it really changed all that much? I certainly don’t buy the idea that this time we were ‘not defeated’.

We were worn down, worn out and slunk away – undefeated ‘on the battlefield’ maybe, but defeated all the same.
Another pointless, meaningless Afghan tragedy.

Coming soon: Close of Play

I’ve recently finished a new, short novel called ‘Close of Play’ about plans to build a housing estate on a village cricket ground. It’s an amusing little number and preview copies are already available on Amazon. I say preview advisedly because I haven’t even seen them yet (waiting for a few samples from the printer) and they will definitely be revised, changed and generally improved. But if you’re reading this, feel free to buy a copy in its raw state.

Verse and worse

I’m trying to put together a separate website hIGH wATER
called ‘High Water’, which is the title of a little booklet I’m planning to produce consisting of 22 poems the picture here is the basis for the cover and the title).

Some of them are OK, some are doggerel; that is to say, bits of rhyme which make some sense but are hardly great art. Still, this is an innovation for me and some of these poems are on topical issues (the Great Pandemic, for instance) which means they won’t be in the booklet because they will be out of date before anything ever gets printed.

Still, if you have read this far, have a look at the High Water website (which, please bear in mind) is still a work in progress. It’s not as if we have all the time in the world to get the thing right. Oh? Actually we do have all the time in the world. Ah well, it requires expertise which some of us may not possess in abundance. Anyway, here it is…